Tuesday, February 10, 2015


Freedom! A concept that I thought I understood till this past year. I have known deeply what the LORD rescued me from. What I hadn't grasped was that some of the choices I continued to make put me back in prison. This entire series that I have been writing is because of the journey I was making concerning freedom.

The truth was, I was in an abusive relationship and didn't even realize it. How in the world could I have let it happen? I am a strong person. Why did I allow someone to rob me of my value? When I went into therapy after the death of a baby I thought I would be processing that death. Even though I did process the events surrounding this precious little ones death it became obvious pretty quickly that my life had gotten out of control.

Truthfully, in my quest for certification in midwifery, I allowed a person who was in authority to be a bully. My dearest friend warned me to get out of the relationship and I didn't listen. My husband encouraged me to quit. I didn't listen. I had allowed this person to beat me into submission emotionally. When the therapist first brought up the subject I didn't get it. I gave all the reasons that I had to stay. When the lightbulb came on I felt like I had been hit over the head with a two by four.

I had felt powerless, just like I did with my dad. Powerless to stop the abuse. Don't get me wrong, there were times that I stood up for myself but it wasn't enough. Somehow I had lost my way. I had fallen into old habits. I thought I had to endure a relationship for a piece of paper, my certification. I was very wrong.

When you have been abused as a child it is hard to not go back down that old familiar road. I am ashamed to say that I let it go on much too long. Each of us deserve to be shown respect, no matter where we are in life. No one should be allowed to bully us. That is a huge lesson I learned through this entire mess.

I was blamed for the death of this precious little baby. I would have gladly taken that load on if it was the truth. I was ready to face the consequences if I had missed something, anything. I would have gone to jail if I was found to be at fault. In fact, at the time I would have rather taken the fall than the parents. The truth is, I am not responsible for the death of this little one. It had nothing to do with me or my skills.

Does the truth matter? Absolutely. Jesus said, you will know the truth and the truth will set you FREE. Freedom, that wall in the above picture represents truth to me. A hard truth. I don't have to live a life of fear. I spent years terrified of my dad. I don't have to be afraid when bullies try to come into my life. I am not powerless. I can stand up and say NO!

Jesus paid the ultimate price so I don't have to. He conquered the bullies. He exchanged hatred and lies for freedom. That freedom was not free. I am forever grateful that I saw the truth and learned from my mistakes. I have no intention of going back into an abusive relationship again. I am free!

Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the ground each morning Satan says, "Oh crud, she's up".

1 comment:

  1. It is amazing that even after many years, the abusive treatment we are exposed to from our parents can still blind us to seeing further abuse for what it is. How blessed you are to have a husband, and so many others in your life, who have not tried to take advantage of you that way. I praise God for the freedom He has brought you to, and the healing you are able to experience!