Friday, January 30, 2015

The Plan

Now that I had been granted my freedom we came up with a plan. I was not going back to live with my dad. He was going to give me my little brother and sister to raise. I know even typing this plan now it is obvious I didn't have a clue what reality would be. I thought my dad would just give them to me. He would be free to do anything he wanted with the kids out of the house. It made perfect sense to me.

Armed with my court document proving I was a legal adult I went and got an apartment. I had gotten two full time jobs. One was at a sub shop and one was just down the street, a Big Boys. All of my money went to the rent and utilities. I ate lunch at the sub shop and I ate dinner at the Big Boys. Both jobs were in the town over. I walked across a bridge to get to my jobs. I worked at the sub shop from 9-5 and walked down the street and worked till 1 or 2 in the morning at the restaurant. I walked back over that bridge in the middle of the night to get to my apartment. I was a hard worker.

In the meantime I wrote my dad. I told him I had a place to live and a job to support my siblings and I wanted to come get them. What he sent back to me was a newspaper clipping, with no note.  The newspaper clipping stated that he had officially disowned me. I was now dead to him. It stated I was taken out of the will and that I was to NOT be notified when he died. He had the notice published in the newspaper making it official, I was dead to him. At the time it hurt but I didn't dwell on it, all I wanted was him to give me my siblings so they were safe.

I had failed. My plan to move my siblings to higher ground was wiped out with a notice in the newspaper, not just a hometown newspaper but a big town paper. He would not be giving me what I felt was the right thing to do, to release my siblings from him. The grief I felt was enormous. I didn't want my sibling to suffer anymore. They were now out of my reach. They were not allowed to talk to me or contact me in anyway.

Why didn't I go back? In truth I thought about it. At the time I didn't feel like it was an option since I was dead to him. I knew he would not let me back in. So I had gained my freedom but the freedom was hollow if I couldn't get my siblings to safety. For years I felt a heavy burden for not getting them out. I had let them down. I was to be the protector and I could't protect them anymore. I had failed.

I would like to say that everything turned out well but the truth is never that neat and tidy. Tomorrow my little sister is going to share with you a part of her story. She is a huge blessing in my life. Please come join me tomorrow as you hear from her perspective, our story.

Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the ground each morning Satan says, "Oh crud, she's up".

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