Wednesday, December 31, 2014
The screen is empty. Do I remember how to even put a template together to write again? More importantly, do I have anything of value to say anymore? I have wanted to start writing again for months and each time I stare at the screen and wonder this very question. Would anyone care to listen to the road I have traveled this year?
Only God knows what impact my writing will have on anyone, including me. I have to admit, this year has been one for the books. On the plus side God granted our family three new little grandsons this year. I had the deep privilege to witness the birth of our eldest sons, son. It happened to be my 100th catch, a milestone midwives like to mark. The birth taught me what it really means to be a midwife. I was changed after that birth. I am a silent witness to the miracle of birth. It will happen whether I am there or not. I am an insignificant part of the process and honestly, that's the way it should be.
On the flip side, and there is always a flip side, I watched as a little baby girl took one of her last breaths on this earth. I performed a funeral for that very loved and deeply desired little girl. Out of privacy for the family I won't be blogging about it but I will share the lessons that I have had to learn from the experience. The loss consumed me for months. I learned to sit quietly and listen to the false rumors, the character assassinations, the lies and the guilt put on me. Those months were very dark for me. Truthfully, I questioned everything about who I am and what I am doing on this earth. To say it was a life changing experience would be an understatement. I knew I needed help to navigate all the dark waters. So I sought out help from a Godly professional who could help me navigate the rough seas.
I am so thankful I did. I learned some very affirming things about who I am and, and was also able to look at my life and see where I had let my past creep in and consume me. I have come out the other side stronger than before. I think I have something of value to share. I have always been honest, sometimes perhaps too honest but honest I am. It is hard to look at yourself and see where you have gone wrong. Where you have allowed past hurts to overtake your good sense!
I am back on solid ground, certainly not perfect. I am an imperfect woman with a perfect Savior. I am nothing without Him to walk alongside me and carry me when necessary. I was silent all those months, with nothing to offer. It was my time to sit and listen. This summer I traveled to each of my siblings homes and poured out my soul. It was there that I found the courage to get back up and do this thing called life again. They were God's hands and feet for me. They spoke truth back into my life and for them I am eternally grateful. God gave me exactly what I needed.
So, if I have any readers left, I promise you this. The lessons I have learned this year might also speak to you. I will always be honest and will always speak the truth in love. God is not finished with me yet. I have a story to tell so I will begin to tell the story.
Till tomorrow, may you find peace for the journey.
Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the ground each morning Satan says, "Oh crud, she's up".