Comfort food is just that, comfort. For years I didn't quite get the term. When someone would tell me about a certain food they loved and how they ate it for comfort I don't think I got it. In this journey for some answers and solutions I have tried to analyze why I do what I do.
Why in the world does food give us comfort in the first place? Why is three bites of anything not enough? Is there something I am trying to replace in stuffing my face? Am I bored? Am I angry? Am I trying to make up for something that is lost to me? Is it the only thing I can control in my life?
So many questions I have. Judging from the volume of emails and some comments, I know I have touched a nerve. SO many people struggling with the same thing, who would have known?
When I look at stress and how it plays out in my life I realize the food is the replacement for the loss that is deep inside this brain and heart of mine.
I well remember when I was a pit dweller. I wrote about some years ago. In that pit dwelling time I remember saying, "I don't want my life to be about loss." With each new loss I have studied, prayed and with the help of my Savior I have dusted off my knees and got back on the path.
My heart over flows with thankfulness because of what God has blessed me with. So then, that begs the question, why am I struggling now? What is different? I am not just writing this for me, but for you!
My testimony is not really about me at all, it is about how can we help each other to conquer this monster in our lives!
When I look at our loss in the last five years I feel overwhelmed. In the last five years we have lost our two sons that we were blessed with to the world. Oh, I am not talking about the world generically. We offered them both one at 14 and one at 10 to embrace a stable family who loves them. We poured out hearts into these sons of ours. Often and sadly to the detriment to our other sons and daughter. In the end they chose life on the streets, poverty, drugs, alcohol and violence to a home.
I know, we did the best we could. They were so damaged that their was no hope. I get that, I also get that we were faithful to God's call. Our obedience is never dependent on the outcome, never. We saw the bigger picture and heard the call and we did what we were asked to do. The price was enormous. I grieve for the choices those two sons of ours have made and there is not a blessed thing I can "do" to fix their choices.
Then there is the biggest loss. I have now come to realize that there are some things that are worse than death. Just sit right here and ponder that for a minute. There are some things in life that are worse than death my friend. That is the loss that stresses me out. So many hopes and dreams are gone in the blink of an eye. All because my beloved chose to serve.
Unless you have walked this road it is so hard to understand. Our youngest is now graduating. We never wished our children to grow up too fast. We wanted to relish every moment. But, when the time did come for our last one to grow up we had specific plans and now those are gone. We are daily relegated to a double recliner unable to do the things we wanted to do.
That recliner symbolizes what our life is now. My husband went from going mach four to most days sitting in a recliner. He hates what has happened just as much, if not more than me. We are just too young to be facing this, but this is our reality.
So, loss is my constant partner, day after day, month after month and now year after year. Here we sit. Have we been blessed, absolutely. From the very depths of my soul I am blessed beyond measure. My midwifery training is truly a blessing straight from God himself. Something to distract me, something that is happy and positive and something that I am good at.
So all the physical things that I have lost turn into comfort food. Here is sit with my heart wide open and I have to ask, what is the loss you are running from? What is the stressor that kicks in the need to stuff your face like me?
On of my favorite go to verses is what I leave with you today.
"Come unto me, all you are burdened and heavy ladened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gently and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. FOr my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28
Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the ground each morning Satan says, "Oh crud, she's up".